Perfection is a Disease of the Nation
by Reade-Queen-Of-Versailles
Summary: Four girls. One goal: be accepted into society. / Makeup. Run. Diet. Hair. Nails. Hara's used to this routine. / "Your biggest enemy is yourself, Okuda." / Kayano learns to pageant the pain away. / Megu is pretty. Pretty hurts. / Welcome to our shattered world. [Four-part story]
1. Look Into the Mirror At Yourself

**Part 1**

 **Sumire Hara**

 **Look Into the Mirror at Yourself**

 **…**

 _Put your make-up on_  
 _Get your nails done_  
 _Curl your hair_  
 _Run the extra mile_  
 _Keep it slim so they like you, do they like you?_

 _…_

Hara is not beautiful.

She knows this. She knows this, so stop telling her.

Hara looks into the mirror and she sees hideousness. She has everything that Vogue says is ugly. Small eyes, flat chest, dry hair, and fat. Oh goodness, so much fat.

She's what nice people would call 'cuddly'. But Hara sees something else. She knows that hanging around skinny people like Fuwa and Nakamura makes her look even fatter than she already is.

She envies Megu Kataoka, the prettiest girl in school. Kataoka is everything Hara wants to be - slim, tall, curvy, beautiful.

Hara wants to fit in. She wants to be liked. She wants people to treat her like Kataoka. Kataoka's lucky. Kataoka was born to be radiant. Hara was born to a laughingstock. She doesn't want that.

Hara has very few advantages. For one, she's good at makeup. She'd been experimenting with her mother's old stuff when she was a kid, rooting in medicine cabinets, locked in the bathroom by herself. Eight-year-old Hara had looked into the drawers, astounded by the sheer number of beauty products in there. Stacks of eyeshadow palettes; rows of glossy and glittery lipsticks and lipglosses in shades of red and pink; a pouch filled with sticks of dark mascara, eyeliner, and eyebrow pencils; and piles of foundation encased in silvery bottles.

That stash of expensive makeup?

It's nothing compared to the supply that Hara has now.

Her wooden vanity is stacked full of beauty products. Every morning, even on weekends, she wakes up early to do her makeup. Her face is ugly. She knows that. So makeup is her good friend.

Mascara makes her eyes look bigger. Bronzer shapes her flabby cheeks. Eyebrow pencils for her all-over-the-place eyebrows. Each stick of makeup a mini fairy godmother. It transforms her.

Hara looks into the mirror and she sees a different person. She looks pretty. Not just pretty - beautiful. She doesn't look like Hara, but Hara's ugly, so that's fine. It's fine not to be herself. It's fine to be a stranger, especially if it's a pretty stranger.

On weekends, Hara goes for a run.

She's fat. She's so fat. She can't show up to school like this, all fat and chubby.

She hates runs. It's not good for her asthma. It makes her sick. It makes her tired, so tired.

But it's fine. It doesn't matter. She needs to be pretty. She needs to be skinny.

The girls at her high school are pretty. They're fit, muscular, skinny.

Skinny.

Skinny.

Hara puts on her jogging shoes and runs.

The wind tears at her lungs. She takes big, gulping breaths. In, out, in, out. She checks her asthma puffer. It's in her pocket. Good. Her feet pound on her pavement and she keeps running.

Running makes Hara feel like she's trying to run away. From home. From school. From her problems.

It's a nice feeling, but she knows she'll never get away. She'll never find the freedom.

Suddenly, her throat tightens. Her breathing gets laboured; it gets painful.

Hara's fingers clench over her inhaler and she puts it in her mouth, taking deep breaths.

As she stands there, fighting for oxygen, using her inhaler, Hara sees two girls behind her. She recongises them: Megu Kataoka and Manami Okuda. They run together. Kataoka's faster. Okuda tries to catch up. They're both skinny.

For a second, Okuda looks to Hara. Her expression is unreadable, but soon she jogs away.

Hara's attack gradually calms. She stares after the two girls. Running. Fast. Skinny. Fit.

She has a long way to go.

It hurts. Everywhere.

But Hara doesn't stop. She stuffs her puffer in her pocket and keeps running.

—

She has salad for lunch with low-fat yoghurt and water.

Her mother cooks pizza, but Hara ignores the inticing smell and fixes her concentration on her salad leaves. She's fine eating this little, really. Her stomach's still rumbling after she finishes, but she fights back the hunger.

As soon as she gets upstairs, Hara goes to the bathroom and weighs herself on the scales. She frowns at the numbers displayed on the tiny screen.

She closes the door and strips down to her underwear, and tries again. Still seventy kilos. Oh, no.

She's so fat.

She sighs, loud and long, and puts on her clothes again. She wonders if she can skip dinner. Her mother's going out tonight, so she'll never know.

Hara climbs onto the treadmill in her room, switches it on, and starts to walk while she goes on her phone, looking for websites that could help her with losing weight.

She thinks back to seeing Kataoka and Okuda earlier today. They're both beautiful and well-liked. Kataoka's hair is straight, like Hara's, but Hara thinks she prefers Okuda's glossy dark curls. She doesn't know if Okuda's curls are natural, but everyone fawns over them. So Hara needs to curl her hair too.

An hour passes. Hara's beat, but she's careful not to sit down. Instead, she stands in front of the bathroom mirror and looks at herself again. She pinches her stomach. She pokes her cheeks.

Hara takes out a curling wand from inside the cabinet. She imagines how she'd look like curly hair. Maybe like Kurahashi.

She plugs in the curling wand, brushes her hair, and gets to work.

—

"Wow, I like your hair, Hara," Nakamura comments when Hara turns up to school the next morning.

Hara smiles demurely. "Thanks." She'd curled it, and it did look a bit like Kurahashi's.

Some people compliment her throughout the day. Hara feels special now.

Lunch is more salad and yoghurt. Hara sits by herself at one side of the cafeteria, reading a book on calories.

She blinks, trying to concentrate on the words in front of her.

The letters are blurring black blobs in her eyes. Hara frowns. She hopes she doesn't need glasses. No one has glasses at this school, except for Takebayashi, who's a weird otaku that no one likes.

She sets down her book, tired of reading, and eats her salad slowly. Unsalted, no sauce. Only vegetables and grains and seeds and freshly squeezed lemon juice.

Hara looks after to the table that seats the 'Populars'. Everyone who's popular is good-looking. Kataoka's gorgeous. Kurahashi and Okuda are cute.

Come to think of it, Okuda is beginning to look oddly familiar. Like that bespectacled, short girl that Hara bumped into in the bookstore the other day.

Hara shakes her head. No way. Okuda doesn't have glasses, and her hair is always curly and let down. The mysterious chemistry geek Hara saw in the science aisle had twin braids. And she looked…too average.

Hara notices that Kurahashi has her nails done, and is showing them to Kataoka, who nods approvingly.

She looks down at her own short, cracked nails. She'll need to give them a makeover too.

The bell signalling the end of lunch rings. Hara realises that she hasn't eaten much. She throws the remains of her salad in the bin, and clutches her book to her chest as she goes back to her locker.

She's still hungry, and she drinks water to fill up her stomach for the timebeing.

Hara writes down a quick reminder to get her nails done on a post-it note, and sticks it on her phone case.

—

Hara admires her new nails while walking on her treadmill, drinking water. They're all a yellowy-teal ombre, glittering with mini rhinestones. She knows that Nakamura would like it.

She keeps walking, feet tired. Hara's learnt to keep her sitting down minimal. She exercises three times a day now - running in the morning, treadmill after lunch, skipping after dinner. She stretches too, and does some yoga.

With all her excercising and homework, she hardly has time to eat. But that doesn't matter. In fact, that's good news. She fills herself up on water - healthy and harmless.

She blinks, and out of the blue, her head starts spinning. She fights through the dizziness and keeps walking, drinking water to silence her rumbling stomach.

The spinning of her head stops after a few minutes, and she wonders if she's gotten a cold.

She steps off the treadmill and drinks more water, then walks downstairs to fill up her water bottle.

Hara goes into the bathroom and weighs herself.

She's lost half a kilo, which isn't bad. She smiles a little, almost having forgotten what it feels like to be proud.

Still, half a kilo isn't heaps. Maybe she should start having before-school runs.

—

Hara knows that there's no way Nakamura or Fuwa could possibly tell she's lost weight, but she still wishes someone could acknowledge it.

She needs to get thinner. Fitter. Better.

At lunch, she sits down again at her regular spot. Her stomach grumbles, but she only packed a little salad. She picks up her water bottle and drinks until she feels full enough - a temporary illusion. Then she throws her salad in the bin, and sits down to read her book on getting fit.

The more she looks at the words, the dizzier she feels. She has the slight sensation of nausea, like she wants to throw up, even though she hasn't eaten.

She sets the book down. Rubs her eyes. Uses her inhaler. Looks at the ceiling. She feels a little better, so maybe it was just a random asthma attack.

Hara goes to the bathroom and splashes her face. She wipes off her makeup with toilet paper before ducking into a stall and reapplying it - she has heaps of makeup and a compact mirror inside her lunch bag.

She looks into the compact mirror at herself. The makeup covers up most of her ugliness. She tries a smile. She looks nice.

Hara walks out of the stall, washes her hands, and re-ties her curled brown hair. Her hands tighten around her book. She stares at the cover, but looking at the skinny woman makes her dizzy again.

She breathes in. She breathes out.

It's fine.

It's fine.

Hara exits the bathroom and heads to her next class, praying her head will stop swimming by the time she gets there.

—

Over the next few weeks, Hara runs more, skips more, walks more, diets more. She doesn't eat much, only breakfast and maybe a salad for lunch. She applies her makeup, trying out new looks. She likes her natural-looking makeup the best. She curls her hair again after it starts to flatten.

Hara had joined a strength and conditioning club during lunch, twice a week. The running makes her feel faint and tired, but she hopes it's working. She hopes she'll be thin, like Kataoka and Okuda and Kurahashi.

She chugs more water as she works on her homework. She wipes off her makeup and reapplies it. She looks in front of the mirror. She exercises, and she weighs herself.

Hara feels a bit more satisfied, but her dizziness and hunger can't be easily ignored.

But she can't eat. She just can't. How many calories are there in a beef casserole? How much fat in pasta? How much sugar in a muesli bar? She sticks to salad and grainy cereals.

Hara weighs herself again. She's lost three kilos. She steps off the scales and looks at herself in front of the mirror.

She's…skinnier.

But she's still ugly.

Hara rubs off her makeup again. Do the cosmetics really make a difference?

It should. It does.

She tries changing some details. More mascara. More bronzer. Less lipstick. Less blush. No eyeliner.

It doesn't look great.

Hara isn't one to cry. But she can't help wiping away her tears.

Her ugliness just doesn't go away. She hates it. She wants to be naturally pretty. Beautiful and elegant like Kataoka. Demurely gorgeous, like Okuda. Bubbly and adorable, like Kurahashi.

But she's not.

She's just Hara.

Ugly, fat, Hara.

She goes back to her room. She turns on her treadmill and walks while she does her homework.

—

Hara sits by herself at lunch, as per usual. She's now lost four kilos. She's proud. But not proud enough.

She wants to read some books on cosmetics and dieting, but her head always spins whenever she looks at something for too long. It's tiring and painful. She doesn't like it.

Hara didn't pack lunch today. She only drinks water from her two-litre bottle, staring at the ceiling.

"Hey." Someone taps her shoulder.

It's Okuda, with Kataoka and Kurahashi in tow.

"Okuda?" Hara questions. "Hey there." She's almost in awe to be within a few metres of the three most popular girls.

"Do you mind if we sit with you?" Okuda asks. She doesn't sound…popular. She sounds awkward. And shy. And tired.

Hara shakes her head. "Of course not! Please do!"

Kataoka smiles in thanks and takes a seat, along with Okuda and Kurahashi.

Hara has no idea why they want to sit next to her, but it makes her feel special.

"You've lost a lot of weight lately," Kataoka begins. "I wish I could lose some more weight too."

Hara's eyebrows furrow. "But you're so skinny. I…" she pauses. "I wanted to be like you. That's why I started going out for runs and joining fitness clubs and stuff."

Kataoka looks flattered, but she looks away, seemingly upset. "Thanks, but I'm really not that pretty."

The table falls into uncomfortable silence. Kurahashi smiles brightly and changes the topic.

"Hey, Hara, I see you curled your hair! Now it looks like mine!" she smiles, pointing at her orange curls. "It looks very cute on you. Curly hair's the best. Right, Okuda?"

Okuda nods, smiling politely. "Of course." Her perfect curls bob along with her nodding.

"Say, Hara," Kurahashi starts, bright smile still on her face. "Have you ever considered plastic surgery?"

Hara's heart drops at the single comment. "What?"

Kurahashi looks confused. "I mean, you don't have the best looking—"

Kataoka slaps Kurahashi on the shoulder. "Hashi, that's a terrible thing to say," she hisses.

Hara can't think. Can't think, can't breathe, can't understand. She feels like she's suddenly out of her body, and everywhere feels numb. She wants to cry but she doesn't have the energy.

Okuda's worried face leans in. "Hara? Do you need tissues?"

Hara shakes her head and stands up, trying to breathe steadily. She feels so pathetic, so stupid, crying over something so trivial. She keeps her head down and starts walking to the bathroom, breathing in, breathing out. In. Out. In. Out.

She runs inside the first stall she sees. She starts scrubbing off her makeup as fast as she can, too fast, not fast enough. She's rubbing her skin raw. She checks her mirror. She looks so stupid. And so…

So ugly.

"I'm ugly," she says aloud to herself, and it's the first time she's really said it, really felt it.

She sits down on the toilet seat and cries until she can't anymore.

Then she applies more makeup than she's ever put on before, takes a deep breath, and heads to her next class.

Her head is spinning.

—

Hara doesn't want to look in the mirror ever again for the next few days. She just can't.

Whenever she does, Kurahashi's voice echoes through her head. That seemingly innocent question that tore the tiny portion of Hara's self-esteem left to shreds.

She starts excercising even more. There's hardly a time of day she isn't on the treadmill. She reads and does homework on it. She drinks water all day, every day. She eats only breakfast and lunch only on days she has the energy too.

Her energy is drained.

She's so tired. Too tired. She wants to sleep. But sleeping means lying down and lying down for too long means you'll get fat. Hara can't let all her hard work go to waste.

So instead, she tries distracting herself by reading more. Magazines and books alike.

But now, the words blur even more. Her dizziness comes and goes more often than ever. She sometimes trips over her own feet when she runs. It's harder to breathe. Her stomach hurts.

Her body is suffering. She's suffering.

She tells herself it's okay, but it's not.

One day, her body decides it's had enough.

Hara suddenly collapses as she's rooting through her locker, the last of her energy gone.

—

Hara wakes up to bright light and whiteness. She's in the nurse's office.

The only thing she can think about is her body weight. And how she's ugly. So ugly.

She wants to throw up. She wants to cry. She wants to die. She wants to feel pain.

She wants so many things.

She wanted so many things, and she never got any of them.

"Hara?"

She looks to her left. Kurahashi is sitting on a chair beside the bed. She holds a light pink envelope in her hand.

Hara doesn't trust herself to speak, so she forces a smile.

"I wanted to apologise for the things I said to you," Kurahashi says. She offers the envelope to Hara. "Here. It's an invitation to my birthday party. Bringing presents are optional." She smiles, the action wan and regretful.

Hara takes the envelope with a weak hand. She nods and closes her eyes. "Thanks," she croaks.

"Hara…" Kurahashi begins. "Are you…healthy?"

She's met with silence.

"I mean, you randomly passed out in the middle of the hallway - I wanted to see if you were alright. I—"

"I'm fine." Hara clears her throat. It burns. Her head throbs. "I need to get up, now. Can you tell the nurse I'm going?"

She pulls her up with some struggle. She feels tired and weak. But she mustn't lie down too long.

Kurahashi opens her mouth to say something, but she stops. Hara walks put of the door, fatigue pulling her down, slowing her steps. She wants to sit down. Instead, she goes to the nearest drink tap and starts drinking water. Then, she goes to her locker and gets out her lunch bag. She enters the girls' bathroom, splashes her face, washes off her makeup, and reapplies it.

Hara looks into the mirror at herself and she wants to cry again. She's so ugly.

She clutches the envelope. It's awfully generous of Kurahashi to offer to invite her to the latter's party.

Hara will go. She'll definitely go.

—

Hara arrives at Kurahashi's enormous, mansion-like house, hair curled, in a flattering dress and heels, makeup done perfectly. She brings a box of homemade swiss rolls. She hasn't baked in so long.

The door is wide open, so she walks in. It's cold, and it smells like sugar. It smells too sweet. Hara wants to leave.

But she doesn't. She puts down her gift on a table labelled 'Presents' and follows the noise.

She walks into a large living room. There are many tables set up, all seated with beautiful, skinny students. Students unlike Hara.

She heads over to Kurahashi's table, where Okuda and Kataoka also sit. But someone grabs her shoulder.

"Hey, what're you doing here?" It's a girl with bleached blonde hair and fake eyelashes. She's skinny and curvy and tall and pretty. She has big brown eyes and flawless makeup.

"I was invited," Hara answers.

The blonde sneers and shoves her to an empty table, where only one other girl sits. "Go sit at the table for uglies, twat."

Hara bits her lip. The whole room's gone silent, listening to the beautiful girl talk.

She walks to the table for 'uglies'. Everyone stares.

The other girl there has long eyelashes and wavy black hair.

"Kirara Hazama," the black-haired girl offers flatly. Then, "beauty doesn't matter to me," as an afterthought.

Hara sees the scars on Hazama's skinny wrists. But she doesn't ask.

She can hear the whispering in the room.

"Wow, is that Hara? She's so fat."

"Ew, I heard that she ate so much cake that she passed out."

"They'll make a disgusting couple, Hazama and Hara. Ha!"

Hara looks down at her hands and closes her eyes. All of her insecurities stab back at her.

Fat. Ugly. Stupid. Fat. Ugly. Stupid.

Suddenly, she feels a hand on her shoulder. She looks up. Manami Okuda.

"Hi," Okuda says, smiling. She sits down next to Hara and Hazama.

Someone audibly gasps.

Okuda doesn't say anything at first. But slowly, she starts plaiting her hair into two twin braids. She removes the bobby pins on top of her hair, and a fringe falls on her forehead. And lastly, she puts on glasses.

Silence.

"You're…you're that science nerd?" the blonde from before yells.

Okuda nods, before tapping Hara and Hazama on the shoulder. "Do you want to go outside?"

Hara trails behind Okuda, dumbfounded. Okuda…was the nerdy, average-looking girl that Hara had seen in the bookshop. The girl she'd been kind to.

The three girls sit down next to each other on a grassy hill, silent.

Hara doesn't know she's crying until she feels wet tears down her cheeks. She chokes back a sob. She wants to cry and let it all out. She wants to scream.

"Here."

Hazama offers her a black handkerchief. Hara takes it awkwardly and rubs her eyes, makeup smudging. She probably looks even hideous than she already is.

Okuda suddenly shoves a mirror in front of Hara's face. She stares at her broken, depressed reflection.

"Do you see this?" Okuda says quietly. "This is what months of wanting to be beautiful has done to you, Hara."

She sobs even louder, unable to hold it back.

"You're beautiful," Hazama comments monotonously. "I know that sometimes you don't feel like it, but don't change yourself for the world. Don't end up like me."

Hara wipes away her tears, and uses the handkerchief to wipe away her makeup.

Okuda reaches over and uses a tissue to scrub the last bit of blush off Hara's cheeks. "You looked better without makeup anyway," she smiles. She stands up. "Let's go to my house. I have cookies. And books."

Hara and Hazama follow, wordless, doubtless.

Hara hasn't exactly recovered yet.

The friendliness is so very sudden. It feels odd, a little overwhelming. But this is the happiest she's felt ever, since she started high school.

Hazama catches her eye and smiles. Hazama looks so pretty when she smiles.

Hara wanted to be pretty.

Maybe she could have achieved her goal just by smiling more often.

—

Two weeks later, Hara looks into the mirror at herself.

She smiles.

 **…**

 **I felt like I should write this.**

 **I just had an impulse to write about society's interpretation of beauty and its effect on teenage girls.**

 **P.S: You're beautiful! Don't feel pressured to change anything about yourself!**


	2. Do You Like You?

**Part 2**

 **Manami Okuda**

 **Do You Like You?**

 **…**

 _Wait a second,_

 _Why, should you care, what they think of you_

 _When you're all alone, by yourself, do you like you?_

 _Do you like you?_

 _You don't have to try so hard_

 _You don't have to, give it all away_

 _You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up_

 _You don't have to change a single thing_

 _…_

Okuda's accepted in school. It makes her relieved enough to cry. As long as she's liked, it's okay. It's all okay.

Granted, she has to change herself a lot. She curls her hair. Her fringe is pinned back, and she wears contacts. She's a different person - a beautiful, different person.

Okuda hates so many things about herself. She could write so many negative comments about her body. She's too short, she has a hardly noticeable pot belly that bothers her, her legs are too skinny. Her hair is always messy, and her chest is flat.

She never liked the way she looked. She was always the 'other girl'. It was always radiant Megu versus the 'other girl', cutesy Kurahashi versus the 'other girl', talented Kaede versus the 'other girl'.

Okuda used to like being the 'other girl'. No one judged the 'other girl'. She could read science textbooks, experiment with chemicals in the lab; she could be free to do as she pleased. Beauty didn't matter to her before.

Until the swimming carnival.

Okuda remembers the scatching remarks and beautiful bodies of all the other girls - curves. So many curves. Everything about her female classmates was goddess-like, especially in comparison to her own.

She hated showing her body like that, put on display for the world to judge. She'd been so distracted that she'd let down her whole team by losing in two races.

That one day is etched deep in her memory, and she hates it.

She didn't necessarily want to change herself. But when she looks in the mirror, with her twin braids and nerdy glasses, she feels…terrible. She despises her appearance.

So she changed it.

It had started small - sometimes she let her hair down in school, sometimes she pinned up her fringe for the sole purpose of making sure hair didn't fall into her eyes whilst she conducted experiments.

It wasn't until one day, when by coincidence, she did both these things at once, and didn't wear glasses (as they were currently being fixed), she was more…noticed. Some people hadn't even recognised her.

So Okuda kept a low profile outside of school, and embraced her newfound good looks during school.

She was never good at conversation - she had social anxiety, and she kept to her science books.

But slowly, she realised that the only thing you really needed to do while talking to someone was to agree with everything they said, and compliment them.

Kurahashi had pulled her in. Then Kataoka, the school's most popular girl, decided to hang out with them.

And so Okuda became the school's third most popular girl.

But she wasn't always comfortable that way.

She still lives in constant worry that someone from school would see her in her glasses and braids and make the connection that she was that 'other girl', the stupid little chemistry freak.

Okuda's anxiety should have improved. But it never did, and it still towers over her and controls her like a puppet.

If she'd maybe been brought up a different way, or if people had endeavoured to befriend her whilst she was absorbed in her science textbooks, perhaps she'd be a confident and happy girl now. But this wasn't the case.

In all honesty, Okuda really only has one friend - Karma Akabane. They had been classmates since primary school, and developed a strange but close bond.

She knows that he isn't very pleased with her transformation from geek to chic for school, but he doesn't talk much about it. Instead, he usually tries to distract her from her insecurities with her appearance.

Okuda always smiles and nods along. But still her inner demons claw away at her brain.

She always feels like she's not good enough.

—

"Manami…it's time to get up."

She blinks her eyes. Everything's blurry, as per usual. She slips on her glasses before sitting up and climbing out of bed, and starts heading to the bathroom to curl her hair. Karma trails behind, dragging his sleeping bag with him.

Okuda brushes her hair and pins back her fringe, spraying it with a homemade concoction far better than hairspray.

"Here."

He quietly hands her the contacts, which is a surprise. She thanks him and carefully puts the contacts in, blinking so she feels comfortable.

"You're being oddly quiet today," she says.

He shrugs. "I dunno. I should let you live your life, I guess. I can't keep complaining about the whole snazzy makeover thing."

"Does it look bad?" she asks, suddenly worried. Her anxiousness kicks in, and everything starts looking out of place.

"No. It just doesn't look like Manami."

"Manami's awkward and gangly," she responds. Her own name feels weird on her tongue. "I want them to like me."

He rests his chin on her head. "I've never been to your high school but it sounds like it sucks. Wanna transfer to mine?"

"You know I can't."

"Yeah, fine, whatever."

He wanders off to put a shirt on, and Okuda can't help but feel guilty. She knows he's lonely, and she's not the most considerate friend a person who ask for.

Friends.

Are Kataoka and Kurahashi really her friends? Sure, they get along, but she doesn't really feel comfortable around them. She doesn't like the fact that Kurahashi only chose her because she was pretty.

She wonders if she'd still be liked, if she hadn't changed the way she looked. Okuda shakes her head, not wanting to indulge in a false fantasy. Of course not. It's obvious that the 'other girl' will never be half the person she is now.

Okuda doesn't like makeup, but she applies it anyway. She's scared people will judge if she doesn't. She only applies very little, to look natural.

She looks in front of the mirror and spins around. She doesn't look like Manami Okuda, but that's a good thing. She pauses and frowns at her torso - her flat chest is getting to her again. Oh well. She can't do much about it.

She wishes she was naturally beautiful. Of course, the newly-transformed her is attractive, but she can't ignore the pain she feels every morning she has to hide her true identity under a mask of curled hair and makeup.

By the time she's done in the bathroom, Karma's already gone. She knows it's because he hates seeing her like this, looking like a perfect china doll so unlike the geeky chemist she is when she's around him.

He is the only person who hates her makeover. It seems ironic that her best friend is the one who can't accept it the most.

He'd told her why. "I like the normal Manami. That's the girl I made friends with. I can't recongise new you. I can't be friends with a stranger."

She couldn't be friends with a stranger either. She couldn't bear looking like a stranger.

But it's too late, isn't it?

—

Okuda is glad that her friends are so dense.

"I remember that science girl," Kurahashi says. "I forgot her name, but you know the one - braids and glasses?"

"Yes, of course," Kataoka replies. "I wonder why we never see her anymore."

Okuda swallows. Even in front of these two, she doesn't talk very much. "S-She moved to a new school. Kunungigaoka High School." Kunungigaoka was the school Karma was in. "What d-do you two think about her?"

Kataoka contemplates. "She was really quiet, I guess. Kind of unusual and unsocial."

"Yeah. Her hair colour was a lot like your's, Manami," Kurahashi adds, smiling. "Of course, you're way prettier." She grins adorably and plays with Manami's hair.

"Thanks," Okuda answers, voice slightly stiff. It was nice to know she was pretty - nice to know she was a better version of herself. But was this version better? She thinks for a minute, then discards the notion. Of course it is.

"We're all beautiful," Kurahashi continues. "Especially you, Megu. I envy your body so much!"

Kataoka looks away. "Don't say that. You know I need to lose weight."

The silence at their table is thick and awkward.

Okuda looks to Kurahashi, who gapes at Kataoka. "But Meguuuuu, you have the perfect body! You're, like, the school's goddess! Everyone thinks you'll be a model one day!"

"Well, they're wrong. If anyone can be a model, it'll be you, Kurahashi."

"Are you serious?" Kurahashi yells. "Geez, Megu, get it into your brain! You're beautiful, alright?" She stands up and bangs her hands on the table. Okuda hates it when her friends argue.

Kataoka stands up too, taller and more intimdating than Kurahashi. Her voice is calm and collected as she speaks. "Considering you're against my idea, Hinano…Manami, would you like to go on a run with me tomorrow morning?"

The feeling of being torn between her two comrades makes Okuda frown. But she agrees, knowing she'll need the excercise. "Sure thing, Megu."

Kataoka and Kurahashi have apparently intitiated a stare-down, so Okuda quietly leaves, mumbling something about getting ready for class. Her stomach churns as she walks to her locker.

If Kataoka isn't considered beautiful, what level would Manami herself drop to? Popular-Okuda's nothing more than a pretty face and a devoted minion, but it beats being the 'other girl'. The offhandedness of their conversation about her former self makes Okuda wonder if maybe changing herself was right after all.

After all, people like her. They greet her in the halls; they wave to her all the time; they gossip with her and play with her hair. It feels good to be liked, even if she's wearing a stranger's skin.

—

Okuda pants, trying to catch up to Kataoka. Kataoka's fast, and she's beautiful even when she's out of breath and sweaty. The sun beats on the pair. Sweat drips down her forehead. It's boiling, and she's tired, but she wants to stay loyal to her friend.

Megu swims as well, beautifully and professionally, so Okuda's not quite sure why she decided to run today. Wouldn't Kataoka have preferred the swimming pool?

However, Okuda wisely keeps silent. The biggest worry residing in her mind is her own. If anyone were to make the connection between Popular-Okuda and the science-nerd 'other girl', she'd be dead meat. She would never want to show her face in public ever again. The thought of it makes her run faster, making sure she's fit and skinny.

As they run, another girl who's in the process of using an asthma puffer catches Okuda's eye. The girl looks up, and Okuda almost stops running.

It's Sumire Hara, the girl Okuda ran into in the bookstore the other day.

She'd been browsing through chemistry logs, in her usual attire - glasses and braids included. Okuda had been so petrified that Hara would have recongised her that she'd left without speaking a word.

Hara attends the same high school, so hopefully she only knows Okuda as the popular girl.

Hara looks up and sees Okuda and Kataoka running. Okuda quickly looks away, worried that maybe she'd ask.

But only silence greets her as she continues running after Kataoka, trying to catch her breath.

—

When Okuda gets home every day, she always wipes off her makeup; she braids her hair again and takes out her contacts.

It's like taking off armour - she feels lighter, but more vulnerable.

Karma's away to visit his grandparents, so Okuda heads to the shopping junction by herself.

The wind batters her tiny body. It's a good thing, that her hair is tied neatly, so it doesn't blow all over her face. She's eager to get some honeycomb toffee and start reading her new chemistry book.

When she walks in the little cafe, surprise and terror hits her.

Kataoka and Kurahashi are sitting together, chatting idly.

Okuda runs to duck behind a booth, breathing heavily. She's so scared that her friends will recomgise her that she can't trust herself to speak, to even order. She wonders if they'd recongise her voice.

Luckily, she regulars this cafe quite a lot, so the waiter - Yuma Isogai, about her age - knows what to serve her. He smiles and waves.

"Honeycomb toffee?"

She waves back and nods stiffly, before turning to her book.

However, she can't help overhearing Kataoka and Kurahashi's conversation, in the booth directly behind her.

"Where's Okuda?" Megu asks.

"She said she was busy today."

"I see."

"Hey, Megu, what do you think of Manami?"

Okuda's breath hitches in her throat.

"Well, she's very shy and quiet…she's got quite an agreeable nature."

"Not that stuff, silly. Her looks."

Okuda sighs. Of course, Kurahashi was fixated on the idea of beauty.

Her exasperation quickly turns to fear, of Megu's answer.

"She has an attractive and cute face, and her hair is always nice. She's lucky she doesn't have to wear makeup to look pretty," Kataoka answers.

Okuda almost scoffs.

"She's skinny, isn't she?" Kurahashi probes.

Kataoka pauses. "I suppose. Her figure isn't amazing, I'm afraid."

Okuda trembles suddenly, putting down her book.

"I agree completely, Megumi," Hinano replies pleasantly.

Before her honeycomb toffee arrives, Okuda decides to flee the scene.

She'd be better off without the extra sugar anyway.

—

"Hey, Mana-mimi!"

Kurahashi latches an arm around Okuda's shoulders. "Megu and I were talking about you yesterday."

"R-Really? What about?" she asks, careful not to sound too nosy.

"That you have an agreeable nature, and an attractive face," Kurahashi responds. "Too bad you couldn't come with us! We went to this neat little cafe that sells really good food - you don't know it, of course. And also, I saw the science girl we were chatting about - the one with glasses and braids. I don't think she recongises us anymore. What a pity. I wanted to ask how her school was."

Okuda processes her friend's rambling. "I-I don't think you should talk to the science girl." She's afraid Kurahashi will put two and two together, if she talks to Okuda whilst she's in science-geek-mode.

"Why not?" Hinano pouts adorably.

"She's bad news. She wasn't very nice to me." Thank goodness Kurahashi was so stupidly dense.

Kurahashi frowns. "Oh. Then I won't." She breaks into a smile again. "Can you join Megumi and I today? We're visiting the cafe again today. We'll introduce you. There's this waiter, around our age, but I forgot his name…"

"Yuma Isogai," Okuda whispers.

"Hmm?"

"Nothing, never mind. I'd love to go." Okuda doesn't want Kataoka and Kurahashi to talk behind her back, so she'll go with them. She pastes on a fake smile, an easy feat for her, since she does it so often.

When was the last time she'd smiled properly at school?

She can't remember.

School ends fairly quickly. Okuda reapplies some faint makeup before joining her friends for their little outing to the cafe.

Kurahashi loops her arm in Okuda's as they walk down the street. Kataoka walks in front of them, assertively. The trio catches the attention of groups of boys as they walk, and Okuda hates it. She hates the unwanted attention.

"I love being stared at by boys," Kurahashi giggles quietly. Okuda wonders if she's mad. "Don't you, Mana-mimi?"

"Of course," Okuda lies, looking around. It makes her feel uncomfortable.

Suddenly, her bag smashes into someone else. Startled, she spins around and apologises. "Oh, I'm so sorry!"

"Manami?"

Karma stares at her with blank eyes and dilated pupils, as if he's staring at a monster. Or a stranger.

Kurahashi looks towards them. "Oh, you know Okuda?" she asks politely.

Okuda wilts under Karma's steady gaze. She feels disgusting, vulnerable, and…fake.

"No," he answers finally. His voice is cold and devoid of emotion. "No, I don't." He strides away, and there's suddenly a wave of emptiness inside Okuda. She has a terrible feeling that she's lost her best friend.

—

Okuda rings Karma's doorbell, glasses askew. She only had enough time to pull her hair into one braid before she sprinted to his house, as if there was a time limit on this.

He opens the door, holding a game console, and his eyes narrow. "Okuda-san."

Okuda-san? He only ever called her Manami. Her stomach drops to her feet.

"I really don't want to talk to you right now," he sighs, beginning to close the door.

"But Kar—" she pauses. "Akabane-san." His name feels strange in her mouth. "Are you mad at me?"

Karma stares at her. "Do you think I'm mad at you?"

She lowers her eyes to the ground. "Yes."

"Exactly. Conversation over." He begins to close the door, when Okuda starts to talk.

"You don't know what it's like," she begins, quietly. "I have to be fake, I have to be a stranger, to be happy. You always said that happiness was the strongest emotion, Akabane-san. Why can't I—"

He grabs her braid and tugs her hair up to look at him, cutting her off. His eyes are piercing, and she wants to look away.

"But are you really?" he asks. "Are you really happy?"

"I…" Okuda finds herself lost for words.

"Your biggest enemy is yourself, Okuda-san." Karma sounds tired. "Give me back - no, give the world back Manami-chan. Science geek Manami-chan with glasses and braids. Then we'll talk."

His door slams in her face, and she wants to cry.

—

Okuda, in her usual 'geek' mode, finds sanctuary from her worries. At a bookstore.

She selects a thick chemistry textbook, and smiles to see the complicated diagrams inside. She finds a seat and starts to read, immersing herself in a world of science.

"Hello," greets a voice.

Okuda looks up into Hara's friendly face, and gulps. What if the brunette would recongise her?

"I-I made some extra swiss rolls," Hara fumbles. "Do you want some?"

Okuda notes that Hara had lost quite an astounding amout of weight. "That's very kind of you, but why me?" she asks carefully. The swiss rolls look enticing.

"I know that you regular at the bookstore, and I was hoping I'd find you here," Hara responds, not quite answering the question. "I…I thought you would be…lonely."

Oh.

Okuda feels a tiny bit insulted, but soon it's filled with a sense of remorse, and a sense of understanding. Yes, yes, she's indeed lonely. And yes, she'd like the swiss rolls.

This is what she says to Hara, who gladly hands over the tin.

"What are you reading?"

"Oh - a chemistry textbook."

"Chemistry's a bit like cooking, isn't it?"

"Well, yes. Chemical reactions in yeast, water, sugar, and whatnot."

As they chatted, suddenly comfortable with each other, Okuda felt happy. Hara was a kind girl, really. She noted privately to herself yo give her more attention at school too.

—

"Can we sit here?"

Hara looks up, in awe. Okuda hates people looking at her like she's some kind of etheral goddess.

Kataoka and Kurahashi take a seat after Hara's stammered reply, and the silence is awkward for some time.

"You've lost a lot of weight lately," Kataoka begins, breaking the silence. "I wish I could lose some more weight too."

Okuda's surprised by Kataoka's comment, but says nothing.

Hara's eyebrows furrow. "But you're so skinny. I…" she pauses. "I wanted to be like you. That's why I started going out for runs and joining fitness clubs and stuff."

Kataoka looks flattered, but she looks away, seemingly upset. "Thanks, but I'm really not that pretty."

The table falls into uncomfortable silence again, and Okuda wants to slap herself for being idiotic enough to get her friends to sit together.

Kurahashi smiles brightly and changes the topic.

"Hey, Hara, I see you curled your hair! Now it looks like mine!" she smiles, pointing at her orange curls. "It looks very cute on you. Curly hair's the best. Right, Okuda?"

Okuda nods, smiling politely. "Of course." She doesn't add that it's a pain to curl, and a pain to brush, and just annoying in general.

"Say, Hara," Kurahashi starts, bright smile still on her face. "Have you ever considered plastic surgery?"

Okuda's stomach plummets again.

"What?" Hara stammers.

Okuda shoots Kurahashi the dirtiest look she can muster, suddenly hating everyone and everything. She wants to scream, at herself, punish herself for this dumb plan, but she keeps her composture.

Hara's face is dripping wet with tears.

"Do you need a tissue?" Okuda offers, rummaging in her purse for tissues - but when she looks up, Hara is already gone.

Kataoka scowls at Kurahashi, who looks like a frightened mouse. "Now look what you've done, Kurahashi-san."

Okuda stands up suddenly. "Sorry. I need to go use the bathroom."

She brisk walks away, heading straight for her usual hideout - a small chemistry classroom. She shuts the door, locks it, and finally releases the emotions she's been bottling in for weeks.

Okuda bawls her eyes out, wailing as she cries. She's hysterical, but she hasn't had a good cry in a long, long time.

—

Okuda waits for Hara at the bookstore.

She doesn't appear.

Not for weeks and weeks.

—

At Kurahashi's birthday bash, Okuda sits silently by her friends, all made-up and dressed like a china doll in a lacy white dress. Kurahashi's laughing and chatting with some other girls, while Kataoka looks spaced out.

Suddenly, the room falls silent, and Okuda can hear - and see - a blonde girl chastising Hara for being ugly.

Fury bubbles up in Okuda's chest, as whispers about Hara and Hazama start to arise.

Okuda takes a deep breath.

She stands up, chair scraping against the wood, and seats herself down at the table for 'uglies'.

There's an over-dramatic, collective gasp from everyone else, and she almost laughs.

Then Okuda starts to turn back into the chemistry geek, back to Manami-chan. Her final step - glasses on - earns another gasp from the room.

People start talking, yelling, but Okuda can't concentrate on her words. She remembers Hazama from third grade, when they tried to make a Frankenstein bug out of bits of dead beetle.

"Let's go." Okuda stands up and heads out, trusting Hara and Hazama to follow. A grin suddenly forms on her face; she's never felt so free. Maybe she's lost everything, but she has enough.

—

They're heading back to Okuda's place for cookies, chatting happily amongst themselves.

"Hey, is that your brother?" Hazama suddenly asks.

A redheaded figure is propped up against the gate, fiddling with a gaming console.

"Uh…more or less. You two head in first. My mum isn't home yet. My room is the first on the corridor to the left.

"Okay, thanks!"

The two girls head in, and Okuda turns and walks towards Karma.

"Manami," he greets.

Okuda's suddenly overcome with emotion, and she falls forward and hugs him around the waist, sobbing.

"Sorry. I'm an idiot," she mutters between sniffles.

He chuckles and hugs her back. He's warm.

"Yeah, you are." To Manami's initial surprise, he picks her up and spins her around, as if she was a child.

Then he leans forward and kisses her on her cheek, which startles her even more.

"I love you, Manami-chan."

"Platonically or—"

He kisses her again, on the lips this time. She almost falls out of his arms in shock.

"Idiot," he grins. "I'll be coming over on Saturday. Now go entertain your friends."

…

 **I'm sorry for the lack of updates…but anyhow, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! (Hooray for Karmanami, am I right?) Next up will be Kayano. Thanks to all who reviewed, favourited, and followed!**

 **Response to reviews:**

 **Sailor Candy - Thank you, I'm glad you like it. Kataoka's chapter will be last, unfortunately XD So hang on tight!**

 **Windyaa - Thanks! :) Hope you liked this chapter!**


	3. Important AN

Dear readers,

I apologise for my lack of updating. I assure you that I have not abandoned this story at all, and I would very much like to continue it.

2018 was a messy year for my brain, and the start of this year was no better, if not worse. I have not shared my biggest problems with anyone, whether on this website or in person, which may have contributed to the state I was going through at the start of this year. I won't bore you with all of the unnecessary details, but I trust you understand and maybe have been through my predicament.

On behalf of my 2018 self, I apologise for anything I've said or done in 2018 that was distasteful, rude, or stupid.

I'm really grateful for your support, patience, and reviews. They help motivate me to write.

Currently, I'm still trying to get my brain and life in order, but I hope to update soon. If you have any questions about my updating plans or anything else, feel free to PM me.

Yours,

Reade


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